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 Post subject: Re: funny
PostPosted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 8:51 am 
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In The Irish Mortuary




Three bodies turn up at the mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces and the police call on the
coroner to investigate.
"First body," says the coroner,
"Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress.
Hence the smile.''

"Second body is Gregory Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery.
Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." he says.

The Police Inspector asked, "So what about this third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why the broad grin, then?" inquires the Inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken".


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 Post subject: Re: funny
PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2014 8:40 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: funny
PostPosted: Mon Nov 24, 2014 9:47 pm 
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Norwegian Virgin

Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in Northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow... right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
Â
He : How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance Lena , is still a Virgin - in every vay.�

The doctor told him Olof, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal & keep it straight.
It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can.

He took four tongue depressors & formed a neat little 4 sided splint & taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.

Olof mentioned none of this to Lena, married her & they went on their honeymoon to Duluth .
That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts.

She said: Olof.. you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.

Olof immediately dropped his pants & replied:

Oh yah .. Look at dis Lena ..... still in DA CRATE!


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 Post subject: Re: funny
PostPosted: Sat Dec 20, 2014 8:51 am 
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Arthur is 85 years of age. He's played golf every day since his retirement 20 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf.

My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take

my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is ninety two. He can't help."

"He may be ninety two," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball ?"

"Of course I did !", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go ?" asks Arthur.

"Can't remember."


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 Post subject: Re: funny
PostPosted: Sat Dec 20, 2014 7:25 pm 
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A guy, who was not feeling well, went to the hospital to have tests run.

Two days later, he received a call to get to the hospital as fast as he could and NOT to have contact with anyone.

Upon arrival, he was ushered to a room where everyone was in HAZMAT suits......

The lead doctor said, "Sir.....I am sorry to inform you that your tests came back and you are positive for HEADS."

The guy says, "Huh? What the hell is HEADS?

The doc says, "Well, Sir....it is a mutated virus that combines Herpes, Ebola, AIDS, Diphtheria and Syphilis..."

"Oh, Dear God!" the guy replies, "What can you do?"

The doctor says, "Just stay calm....the first thing we are going to do is get you a room all to yourself. Then, we are going to start you off with a diet of pancakes and pizza....."

The guy says, "Wait! What? Pancakes and pizza? Will that help cure me?"

"Well,.....no." says the doctor, "But, it's the only things we can slip under the damn door...."


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 Post subject: Re: funny
PostPosted: Sat Jan 03, 2015 10:20 pm 
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A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, ' I clocked you at 90mph, sir.'

The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 70mph, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F...k it woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 100 pound fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up?

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'


She replied `only when he's been drinking a lot`


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 Post subject: Re: funny
PostPosted: Mon Jan 05, 2015 5:46 pm 
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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law?
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

With that the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and showed it to him , he replied "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."


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 Post subject: Re: funny
PostPosted: Tue Jan 06, 2015 11:39 am 
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1. When I was born, I was given a choice: A big dick or a good memory...
I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying: 'No hard feelings....'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men:
'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge.
If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small...

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying: 'Don't take your troubles to bed'.
Many men still sleep with their wives!!


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 Post subject: Re: funny
PostPosted: Thu Jan 22, 2015 7:44 pm 
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Sat nav


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ni4vB6WbrDo


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 Post subject: Re: funny
PostPosted: Sat Feb 14, 2015 6:40 pm 
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Now, as if everything else wasn’t bad enough, we find out that beer isn’t good for us

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.



( A ) The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

( B ) To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period.

( C ) It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men :-



1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

8) Had to sit down while urinating.



No further testing was considered necessary!!


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