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 Post subject: Re: funny
PostPosted: Sat Mar 15, 2014 10:22 pm 
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:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: funny
PostPosted: Mon Mar 17, 2014 8:25 pm 
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An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband’s libido.
‘What about trying Viagra?’, asked the doctor.
“Not a chance,” she said. “He won’t even take an aspirin.”
“Not a problem,” replied the doctor. “Give him an ‘Irish Viagra. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”
It wasn’t a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, “Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!”
“Really? What happened?” asked the doctor.
“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters, and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”
“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?”
“Twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”


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 Post subject: Re: funny
PostPosted: Wed Mar 19, 2014 6:34 pm 
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New door locks just in for the bathroom doors in South Africa. :)

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 Post subject: Re: funny
PostPosted: Wed Mar 19, 2014 8:46 pm 
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Location: Coedpoeth N.Wales
:lol: :lol: :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: funny
PostPosted: Thu Mar 27, 2014 11:53 am 
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Understanding engineers. :)

Some old, some new but all of them true!

Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers #6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers #7
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers #8
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."


Two engineers
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole,"said Steven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement,announced, "Twenty-one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently Parliamentarians.


Bob :)


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 Post subject: Re: funny
PostPosted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 11:38 am 
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Location: Coedpoeth N.Wales
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 Post subject: Re: funny
PostPosted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 10:18 pm 
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Location: Coedpoeth N.Wales
Just heard this one.


Paddy goes into chemist: Can I have some deodorant please
Chemist: Aerosol?
Paddy: No for under my arms!


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 Post subject: Re: funny
PostPosted: Sun Apr 06, 2014 9:22 am 
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I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
*****
The wife's back on the warpath again. Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
*****
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.****
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night,or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
*****
After both suffering from depression for awhile, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, screw it, I'll soldier on!
*******
I woke up this morning at 8 and just felt that something was wrong.I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
*********************************************
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
**********************************************
My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!".
As I walked out the front door, she screamed,"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!""Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"


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 Post subject: Re: funny
PostPosted: Thu May 01, 2014 10:55 pm 
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The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maine State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers. "Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay." "Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Maine Lobsters that you have ever seen and 60 good-sized Rockfish clinging to her, haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch." Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."


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 Post subject: Re: funny
PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2014 3:56 pm 
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Dead Funny

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=pl ... hc1ciGtRAI


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