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 Post subject: Re: funny
PostPosted: Sat Jun 28, 2014 9:22 am 
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Name: Dave
Location: Stockton-on-tees
so saying what we all want to say when we sell something

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 Post subject: Re: funny
PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2014 9:07 am 
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Paddy`s wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me." Sure enough, Paddy lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?" "Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there." Paddy climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're fucking right, you know."

Bob


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 Post subject: Re: funny
PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2014 11:02 am 
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http://fotozup.com/wp-content/uploads/2 ... 00x403.jpg


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 Post subject: Re: funny
PostPosted: Thu Jul 17, 2014 7:26 am 
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For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt.

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt


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 Post subject: Re: funny
PostPosted: Sun Jul 20, 2014 12:28 pm 
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Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen."
1st Man: "No, it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the pavement with a 'splat.'
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker:
"You know, Superman, you're a real arsehole when you're pissed!."

Bob


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 Post subject: Re: funny
PostPosted: Wed Jul 23, 2014 9:31 pm 
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Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV.

Seamus shook his head and asked, "Whoi t'e hell do they do that?"
"Do what?" asked Mick.

"Go on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t'e bends. Day after day, week after week. No matter if it's oicy, rainin?, snowin?, hailin? .. .. ..
why would they torture themselves like that?"

"Tis all for the prestige and the money," replied Mick, "You know the winner gets about
a half a million Euros?

"Yeah, I understand that." said Seamus, "But why do all the others do it?"



A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what" says 7year old "I think its time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast I'll swear first then you".
"OK" says 4year old.
Mum asks 7yr old what he wants for breakfast. "I'll have Coco pops, bitch".
WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out. Mum looked at 4yr old & said sternly "And what do you want?".
"Dunno but it won't be fucking coco pops."


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 Post subject: Re: funny
PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2014 2:09 pm 
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A bit low brow:)



I've just eaten five cans of Alphabetti Spaghetti.
If I shit myself it could spell disaster.


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 Post subject: Re: funny
PostPosted: Sat Aug 02, 2014 6:17 pm 
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Extracts from letting agents complaints.



My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.

He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't
take it anymore.

It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put
his foot in the hole in his back passage.

Our neigbour's 8 year old son is continually banging his balls against
my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped
and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cant' bath the children until it is
cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour
and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at
6am his cock wakes me up and its getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third,
so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat, would you please do
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my
wife.

I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still
have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't
get BBC2.


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 Post subject: Re: funny
PostPosted: Sat Aug 02, 2014 6:22 pm 
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A rugby player is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when he gets a call on
His mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders around of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds. The Rugby player just shrugs and replies, that's about average in Yorkshire... like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a big strong rugby player and play for England . Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, aren'tyou the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'

The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.' The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!'
The Yorkshire man takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's real ale, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says:







'Had him circumcised...'


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 Post subject: Re: funny
PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 6:02 pm 
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A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."


With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"


Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy answered,









"I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."


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